Queer Queries

In evaluating the topic of shadow, I realize that I am an image of their shadow for many people with whom I interact. As a gay man, I represent fear of the unknown or the threat of unrestrained sexuality to those in the mainstream who believe in traditional families. To gay men, I represent the biggest fear of our generation: AIDS. In fact, when my friends have fallen ill and progressed from HIV to AIDS to death, it has been quite difficult for me to watch my own shadow flitting around, losing weight, unable to keep down food or water and finally dying. It has been difficult to watch, but I have tried to make myself be present for my friends because their love and friendship deserved no less than my love and presence.

It has been quite difficult for me over the years to find people who are willing to involve themselves in a relationship with me. This has left me with a few very difficult questions. It would be interesting if people who read this could comment on it and provide me with a bit more insight into the situation.

I figure that I could be off-putting to people with my honesty and disclosure. In the telling of my history with HIV and AIDS, and the grisly details of the deaths of friends, I suppose that I am making it more difficult for me to attract and retain a worthy companion. I hear from my straight friends that I have a type of charisma that I don’t see in myself. If it truly exists, then it should cancel out some of the potential unattractiveness that comes from my unrestrained embracing of both life and death. I know that some personalities simply clash with one another and I rule out those problems as part of the natural progression of relationship development. Still, there should be some part of the population with whom I am compatible and for whom I still find attraction.

This is a complex issue. I could be too picky in my own choices for partners, but I want to be loved and to love. I know that there are self-destructive HIV+ people who are not attractive to me. There are those who approach life with bitterness and they, too, tend to repel my interest in them. I wonder how much my own shadow of AIDS plays a role in who I find attractive. A man who is otherwise healthy, but who looks ill does not attract me. I know that to be superficial, but in our gay community today, I have heard from myself and others that we would rather be sick than look sick. That notwithstanding, I see myself as an intelligent, attractive, fun-loving, loyal, kind and caring soul. I should not accept anything less in a partner. How do I limit myself from relationship using these criteria to mask other factors?

The issue of AIDS and contagion is another point to consider. As an HIV positive male, I know that I am viewed by many as a diseased pariah who threatens their very existence. I can teach them all the ways to protect themselves, but as someone recently pointed out, there is a degree of irrational fear that can not be overcome. As an example, more people are killed in auto accidents than in aircraft crashes, yet there are people who drive every day and yet, will not board an airplane. Is my inability to find a viable partner based simply in their fear that I will become an agent of infection for them? Are they afraid to lose the spontaneity of a disease free relationship?

If not that, then the only other thing that I can imagine is this: perhaps people choose not to engage in relationship building with me because I am seen as not worthy of investment. Why make a friend or engage a potential partner who will one day die? If I had taken this approach to life, I would have no friends at all now. For almost twenty years, I have known my status. I could have completely isolated myself from others for fear of the difficulty that might come when we end up having to end our relationship through my death. On the other hand, I have never kept myself back from developing a friendship with others and many of them learned of sudden onset of life-ending illness. I have lost friends to cancer, for example, who were in the prime of their lives one day and found themselves dying the next. Had I crossed them off when we met because they might end up dying, then I would have not been enriched by their wonderful personalities while here in their earthly bodies. We all die. Every single one of us, and those who aren’t single as well.

What do you think? Is the illness itself too scary? Is it the fear of loss of partner? Or am I just too damn difficult to live with? Or, do I have to be patient and fish in larger ponds, so to speak, to find a partner worthy of my own character, or at least worthy of the character I wish to project…?

If I could write a personal ad for the man of my dreams, it would read as such: Seeking man, age not an issue as much as maturity, attractive in soul, body and spirit, willing to face life together come what may. Must be loyal, kind, caring and intelligent. Exposure to multiple cultures a plus, especially if you speak more than one language. Dog lovers move to the front of the line because you know the meaning of unconditional love. If you are fun in bed and in life, and if you are self-assured, call me now.

I wonder, am I asking for too much?

Categories: HIV/AIDS relationship death life love